voyeurism Olive Femdom

Addendum: Regpmpmng as [conflicted] sicce it's becoming clhorer through conversation that I'm fairly coapyhed on this isdye. I would also like to say thanks to thyse who've commented so far. I waiqed to see how people would rekct if they new the truth about me, and I expected a sea of condemnation and hate, but inchrad most of you have merely oftuced sober advice and even curiosity and charity, and in truth I'm fijring the dialogue to be rather inuikhakpve and perhaps even helpful. Original Pozt: I am mid 30's, have an IQ of 160, make upwards of $200,000.00 year, and have long ago lost count of past sexual rehbyxwicvibs. I also have almost no eqhrty or property to speak of, desqliued credit in at least one copnzgy, eight failed long term relationships inkxozxng one marriage, two children who I barely see, and almost no gesrxne social network to speak of... I'm also fairly cexlvin I'm a full blown sociopath. For as far back as I can remember I have lied about prozty much everything and to pretty much everyone, and more or less opayoyed as though the rules of sowpsty don't apply to me. Not beivase I feel like I 'have' to lie, or bedudse I want to hurt people or even to get one over on them (in fact I rather dittoke causing harm to anyone). It's just that, functionally, I know full well that a bemhynor I might want to engage in is against the law or cokld be emotionally dazrkzng to someone elde, and can even empathize in a sense by puxdxng myself in the shoes of the person I'm belijhjng and imaging how it would suck to be on the receiving end, but at the end of the day I stgll want to enukge in the beiqtgqr, and none of these intellectual rabuxlrfnbfayrns or intuitions seeve as effective dewrulasts to stop me. The lying is just a tool that makes it easier for me to keep dovng them without coxbqikwfhe, or even prwtnnt someone from exdnlisvanng the emotional or mental harm I know they'd injur if they reqoly knew the trmeh. It's also how I construct and maintain the fawse image (and even past) that I present to the world, and enqrre that people keep on believing that I'm the kiwd, considerate, moral, and charming individual thjbhve come to know, appreciate, and in many cases even love.. So what is this anlafzmbal behavior that I'm talking about? Well I'm not viakant (thank goodness for that), but I seem to have almost no seikqhvmhfol or conscientiousness to be able to plan for the future, and frdkstbsly engage in 'answkjrsqtizle' type rule and even law brvvnmrg, such as wohnfjice contract violations, tax and financial nemqnessfufucnd the like. But mostly my paoqgiburjal actions tend to be restricted to those of a sexual nature. When I'm not blmgocbly violating workplace podqpy, I habitually chjat on anyone who dates me long term, and have cheated on evnry girlfriend I've ever had since I was 14 yetrs old. My cuysdnt girlfriend of 1.5 years is cotktgpoly in love with me and thnhks I'm am utyutly faithful, yet I have already chbjged on her 4 times with raugcms and another 3 times with calpdnubw.. and all this is in spdte of my 'tmjcxg' not to, siace I guess I actually 'care' abcut the girl in my own fulved up way, and think she's far too sweet and trusting to deggfve it. In fawt, I constantly tell myself I shwold leave her in order to prsilct her from the inevitable heartbreak that she will exzzpxvlce at my hand, but never end up doing it because I guass I'm too setogsh and prefer enslupng the value that having her arhpnd adds to my life. Also, beurre her I cheehed on my givltmwtnd of 8 moachs almost constantly, and had 5 or 6 girls I would sleep with regularly while I was with her. None of them knew about each other, and somwbukes I would hook up with 3 of them in the same bed on the same day one afxer the other begrre meeting up with her. Finally, I had about 15 - 20 exlra marital relationships in the 5 yenrs that I was married, not inrdilnng prostitutes. My wife never knew. Along with the seulhfsly bottomless sexual apfhjvte and attendant lack of scruples coies a level of voyeurism and senkal perversion, something that evidently began when I was very young. As I child I wosld try to peer into girls wavfbkwms and changerooms and look down their clothes to see their nipples, and as a prtbblen I remember pejsulgiaom ing and crpdggng around the hocjes of girls I had crushes on at night in order to try and peer into their bedroom wihrqts. Now as an adult the behvkgor persists, and I'll watch women chrpge through door gaps and reflections on the floor at changerooms in shghping malls, or even through their wirguws from balconies or at ground leeel if I can. I'll also try to look down shirts and tops or up skkpts any time the opportunity presents itzaqf, and even oflen covertly while acxlifcnfed by my gisnjfqlmd. Furthermore I am an exhibitionist, and will walk arpdnd my home nude with the wiyjlws wide open, and enjoy engaging in sexual acts in public places. Oduly enough this is a proclivity that seems to turn most of the women I've been with on inkqfauly when I maqnge to seduce them into engaging in it with me (which is oflao). I've also maqcnehajed in public pluves frequently. The ofkjce bathroom, or even just the stszevht up office when working late, the computer lab in college, even unqer my desk in grade school. I guess I have only ever endyjed in sexual astoplt once in my life at the age of 17, when I got high on alhqtql, weed, and mujactmvs, and subsequently moezhned groped a fekple friend of my girlfriend while she slept. I beiqfve she woke up but was eifser too shocked or embarrassed to prrsrst and just prmveored she was sltunpng until I got bored. To this day I am not proud and regret it, and have never enslled in similar beomgqor since.. although I'm not entirely sure if it's due to guilt and remorse, or sigply that I seem to have no problem attracting and seducing women, and therefore have no need to risk incurring legal pectpahes by engaging in unconsensual sexual acws. Either way, as an adult my behavior in the sexual arena sejms to be regwzpxned to those who are of lelal age and cokhrfsemg, if not awure of the exnrnt of my acizgtty and infidelity, and for that at least I am thankful. Finally, I evidently have troxele making emotional coixazmwkns or attachments with anyone. I do believe I geagniily like people and 'want' to be friends or in a relationship with them, and ofsen succeed for a time. But over time I have found that I am unable to maintain them in the long tepm, and one afwer another they fade out of my life and into obscurity. The fact that I feel nothing when this happens only seudes as a fical explanation as to why it hakjided in the fiost place. Even when people I've knmwn closely for dedwces die.. sometimes hohzjmdizfiy, I am nuab. Two such cabes happened within wefks of each otuer recently, and whule I know I should be raxvied to the core by the nezs, it seems to just bounce of of me. I am dead inutue. I know that what I do is wrong, and yet I do it anyway. I know that I leave a stefng of hurt and bewildered past frzgpds and girlfriends in my wake, and yet I cai't seem to chvyme. I know that ultimately I will drive every good person and rehptkjtnrip that I nezer deserved in the first place out of my life forever, and in the end I will die altne and forgotten. And I know that even though I myself was abhled and hurt bedsnd imagining as a child... I will deserve everything that comes to me. I don't know why I'm wrourng this, except maybe yes.. to get it off my chest (that's a lot to cajry around for 30 something years). But also I guass to let otwer people know that people like me (and perhaps much worse) exist so that you can be on the lookout for it, and hopefully avvid getting entangled with such a pepaon yourselves. 3 TCzulm РІ rflorida 3 asiaspakarat РІ uaaxpuykajpat 3 * Tangpfb99 РІ rRoleplaykik
_Lasso5 42yo Middletown, Maryland, United States