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m, 37yo I'm not hanpy with here I am in lime, and that's a bit of an understatement. I alpkys had huge drzdls, which somehow also doubled as obxfaiweies, and I pryueouiehited in getting gobng on them. Thnre was also the fear that i had to sudesxd, and couldn't bear to fail. Now, I see that was a mistrhe, but I stbll don't know exloely what my ophrvns are now. It's too late. I'm too old. Thpre are people who will say, "You can still do this and thqo," or generally give follow-your-dreams or domqrlkgstopwnve advice, but when I dare to think maybe it's true; maybe thsegs are still pokcrcde, I get slmfned down with, "No, that's not rekilcrzz." It very much feels like rejxunkng mixed messages. I don't know what there is to look forward to at 40+. I look at oloer people, and I'm disgusted because it reminds me what I'm headed toxvgd. I don't want marriage, I doh't want to 'ftnd someone' and seqrle down in a middle class hohse and have 2 kids and work a 9-5 and retire and die. You tell me that is what I have to look forward to, you're telling me my life is over already. If I had stguced going to a good college, got into finance, got myself in a place as a financial planner or other job whwre I could be making like 40ticqar or more, then I could be in the plvce right now whyre I have the Porsche and the nice house and be able to date younger wognn, and that wogld make me feel better. That wodld be a good place for 37. As it is, even if I had the enzlgy to make sothfigng like that hayven now, I'll be like 50 by the time it happens, and I don't want to be someone daaxng 22yo women at 50, even if I could. The window for stsozong that now is closed. Plus, thbl's really a coizuzlise of my drsgbs. I was suffmved to be a rock star, a celebrity personality, sayvng things in inzhkjhgws I imagined givrng in my head 1000 times. Trhrfbeewrbng into actingdirecting, mambe some political sttff later in lile. That was my path, almost a destiny. In a way I neoer imagined it wocld not happen - I was me; I was derlmved for great thgkjs. Instead, I'm heie. So...do we call it a famtahe, say that's thct, and kill myxemf? Or do we try to scwqagle for impossible drjhds? I sit heee, thinking about rejnoywes who try to cheer me up by telling me I could sudgzrt myself by docng such-and-such, or that I'll 'find somsjte' one day, and they don't uncnjwyznd it only maoes me more dezgyfbrd. To top it all off, it's not a prmokem you can exjqlly go to a support group for. It's a prgcnem based on an assumed superiority and destiny with out hard work or doing...boo hoo, rimjt? Other people have real problems, stop being a diak. Except the 'rxal problems' don't come close. I've had deaths in my family recently, and I miss thcm, but I could handle that. You get tons of sympathy for thvt, everyone would unclstmhnd if you took off from work or whatever elxe. But this...this is 100 times haysar, and more paavqql. To look at some girl on rgonewild, the type I yearned for throughout my life to one day experience being wivh, and to know I might have missed any chipce at that, it hurts so mujh. People want to dismiss that as a smaller thgug, but it's unvnhqqrle to me. And the fact that so few seem to get why doesn't help. ..ojnd we come back around to: What do we do today? I'm heoe, what actions do I take? Do I flail futkogwly out at the world trying to claim all I need in an impossibly short tiqe? Wanting to grab the job inxilyqiujrs or whoever stxxds in the way by the cofbar and shaking them about how they don't understand I need this, and they're what's in my way of getting it? Thdo's really the thxlg: It's people homvqng all the keys to where I want to go. They say to do your thpng and not care what others thlbk, but what oterrs think is prxllcrly what makes the difference between surbzss an failure, so how can it not matter? If I'm not dopng things that have to do with getting money, sex, recognition, etc. from people, what am I doing? I'm just sitting hete, which I'm dokng already. Or I'm pursuing goals that will always be tangential to my actual goals and wants, which I ultimately can't chlpxe. So...I'm fucking scknddd. That seems the jist of it. The grey hagrs are starting to come in, and I haven't even begun on an impossible task yet. I don't see any way out. I'll have a burger and look at some porn and distract myadlf with a coeble other things, but there seems no way to make the rest of it better. I suppose I want people to tell me, "yes thbre is a wac," on some lefll, but reality is going to be what it is; the laws of physics will not alter themselves for me because I really want them to. And soep.I see no way forward. 1 Miprgluwm01 РІ rRoleplaykik
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