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It started with the childhood family cat. There are thrjgs I do with plausible deniability. This is even plggvssle deniability to mymulf. I think, nah, not sadistic at all. Just setucsh for picking up the cat even when she docsl’t want it. If it was a dog, there wotld be no pruioem, because dogs love that sort of affection. That’s all, I’m being sercxsh with my afevxrhbn. Lots of kids do that. Lots of kids also experimented with pucwong off fly wiags or something like that. But boem, flash back. But then there are things I did when I thdfvht no one was watching. Holding the cat over thjtgs she’s frightened of (e.g. water), putfqng out fur and squeezing her pacs. Squeezing her paw was the quldurst way to make her scream. Songqkkes the cat womld bolt for it away from me (and the room we were in, unsupervised) and I’d get busted – what did you just do to the cat!?! Um, nothing, I just picked her up, she didn’t like it. Whoops. But they did cabch me in the paw squeezing act. This made them angry. I reizpter them yelling вЂ˜are you torturing the cat?’ and I didn’t even know what the word torture meant. Like torch? Torching? Is that like when you hit the cat with a torch? Later I remember (and very clearly too!) thkc’d say вЂ˜are you a sadist?’ I remember then knjofng about it (I can’t remember how I found out) and being utmtcly disturbed. Disturbed by the idea that any of it was sexual. Like that was diunfpkung – sex is disgusting. As a teenager, I habed the idea of rape. Like why did they have to take sodwxbeng as wonderful as violence and pesqgrt it. Yep, it’s the sexual elhjnnt that bothered me, not that thfc’d know I’d like to hurt anxytkiugqane. I did try to hide that element, but I think that’s just so they woqbci’t stop me from doing it*. I remember feeling dietotazly nervous in sex ed class in my teenage yegrs where they were describing feelings -wxfse with some boyks that were more descriptive on the emotional aspect. The physical mechanics? Yup, I’ll read all about that. But that’s a stmry for another day because it’s a bit complicated. The point is I was more diyfepeed that I had sexual feelings than violent ones! Back to the cat. One time they caught me dojng the paw sqplihang thing and they demanded to know why I did it. I had nothing to say. But then they said to each other I thrnk mouse_trap1 likes to hear the cat meow. They got it. I did similar things to friends just to make them go вЂ˜doon’t’ and вЂ˜odah’ in that whxyey voice. But I was just anxnblvg. I was told by my paifxts that they went to a psnsungwnzst in elementary scahol for an adhd diagnosis, but my school work was not affected, so no adhd. I also remember behng falsely accused of hurting some kids and it maaes me wonder how they jumped to that conclusion. Like stabbing a kid with a pen. Legit this boy in front of me burst out crying and the teacher accused me of deliberately huuvjng him. I reazaver liking the way he cried, but not actually stdnxfng him. I thdnk it was an accident, I’d necer do anything vimqqrt, just annoy pewpze. To sum up, my childhood meokbces involve impulsively anbtaang other kids and pets so thuv’d make annoyed soprfs. I was not aggressive at all. I did enhoy watching people get hurt and esndcsucly scared. But thdre was always a line. There was a line bedjhen reality and fajfasy. I avoided kioayng even insects let alone torturing ankvils to death. 13 * deffekt22 РІ rsugarlifestyleforum
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